I consider this a relatively family-friendly blog. Yes, I wrote a HuffPo rant against TIME magazine's sensational Mom Enough cover and included photos of my breasts feeding my kids. And I dropped the F-bomb in yesterday's post on Momstinct, but it was in reference to my desire to keep the effing sky from coming down around my henny-penny-chicken-little ears as I toe the line between worry and panic over what might be wrong with my son. I'm stressed, parenting solo and running on about six hours of sleep for the week. I'm still worrying. So far, Hayden is not responding to antibiotics. I'm listening to him snuffle and snore and trying not to think about the what-ifs.
I could use some comedy.
Which is why tonight, while I wait for the worry mongers to start their mental chatter or exhaustion to kick in, I sent my sister a text promising I could cure or at least permanently curb our mild mutual crush on Adam Levine with only one nude photo.
To be fair, this wasn't even a real crush. I knew who Maroon Five was. I'd seen Adam on The Voice. I liked the song Stereo Hearts enough to play it out for my kids last year. There's something dear and quirky about his smile. But then I read an interview in a trashy magazine where Adam rather smugly labeled himself a 'man-whore', and talked about his yoga practice and his skinny jean fashion choices and I thought, ugh.
So when this photo showed up in my Facebook news feed the other day, it was a cold bucket of ice water on some dying embers. Click the link at your own risk, but don't say I didn't warn you. You'll never be able to hear him hit the high notes on Payphone the same way again.
Right?!?!?! I get the worst case of giggles at the horrible UNSEXINESS of this painfully awkward attempt at sexiness. I don't know what's worse here... the Doc Martins? The mermaid tattoo? The black helmet? The soulful look? The tippy-toes-to-flex-the-calves?
My sister, as she is so good at doing, promptly debunked the photo with an exposé blog pointing out that it's not even ADAM'S underfed and inked form draped over the bike palming the helmet covering his manparts. It's some Italian model.
I want to send this dude or Adam's publicist or someone a memo: MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT. Maybe this photo works for gay men, or for some ladies, but for me... just, don't.
I had a boyfriend in college. I am relatively sure he doesn't read this blog but even so I'm not going to name names. It was an honest mistake. He tried to send me some naked photos of himself. There was a really large... TEDDY BEAR involved. I'm going to stop right there.
My sister and I debated the unsexiness of this Adam photo and why it doesn't work. I don't need Porn for New Moms. He doesn't need to be doing the dishes or changing a diaper or promising to send me out for drinks with the girls twice a week.
What is sexy in a guy? Capability. Honesty. Showing up. Quiet commitment. Intelligence. Good parenting. Passion (for almost anything). Kindness. Loyalty. Clever humor.
Teach me something new. Surprise me. Take care of me a little. Make me fucking laugh. But not by posing for naked photos on a motorcycle. Or with oversized stuffed animals.
As my sister said, this photo brings out the mom in her. It makes her want to say, "Oh honey, just... stop. This isn't it at all. Put your clothes back on before you get sick."
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